Monday, January 04, 2010

The Big "D"

Divorce is messy. Never easy and  heartbreaking. So many people are involved even though its the break up of two individuals. So many other hearts are broken too and many lives are affected.

Someone close to me, finally divorced his wife of 16 years today. They have two lovely children.  Many, including me thought it should have ended a long time ago. Its a long story. I guess he has been working at this marriage for the sake of the children.

Comes my question. Do you stay in a marriage even though your heart and soul is no longer in the relationship? even though you have to put up a front that everything  is going well when nothing  is? pretend to be happy when you are truly not?? for the sake of your children??

If your answer is yes than I am truly selfish in this manner. Because I wont. Period. Its my life. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved and I deserve to have a choice. I want to close my eyes and die happy. Is that too much to ask? 

What about the children you ask? What about them? Life is hard. No one says it will be easy, no one person has it easy all the way. Children need to have a father and mother. But if the father and mother cant stand each other's presence, why put the kids through THEIR hell? It will not be easy, it will be horrible. But we are all stronger than we know, stronger than we think. We move on. No matter what the tragedy is, we grieve, we fall flat on our face, we go through all hardships, in the end we move on.

The children will grow and have their own lives and their own family. So you have to think of yourself, be selfish this one time. If you are not happy, you deserve to be. Walk out before its too late. Then both of you can start over and hopefully find the happiness that you both truly deserved.


Haza said...

Oh God, June, I'm so with you.

Many unhappy couples think they should stay because of the children, but do they realize how unfair it is that the kids have to live with animosity on a daily basis?

My stand is, if your marriage doesn't work, LEAVE. Guess I am selfish too. But I want my kids to see love and laughters always, if not everyday, at home, and to know that their parents love each other. I think kids who grow up in a loving home become emotionally healthy adults.

June Malik said...

Haza, I totally agree. Kids are better off with separated father and mother but each happier rather than living in animosity ! Some couples are meant to be together, some are not. And I think they can love the kids better too. Not a good/best situation but probably better for all parties concerned. Some are probably happier not with each other even after a long time together as in the case here. Sad, but the right thing to do.

ARZ said...

You have said your piece, as a principled personality. The merits of your arguments are difficult to argue otherwise.

I actually only want to comment on the regularity and frequency of your blogs. To think that it was so difficult to start. Guess it's just like your run. Once you start the run, you cannot stop and you keep achieving longer and longer distances.

Well done!

June Malik said...

ARZ : haha things like this memang susah nak argue with me. I refuse to budge haha. And yes, i am starting to like blogging even though orang tak baca pun haahh, shd have started long ago!

Anonymous said...

Such deep thoughts girl...on a subject so abject.
I totally agree with you. I have never felt so "free" in my life. I felt like i had shackles on my ankles the whole time i stayed with him.
Maybe it was "love" at first..but the bubbles burst soon enough and reality set in. I could not breathe, smile or be "me" for a very long time.
Finally my parents agreed to let me leave the marriage..after 20 years.
I took nothing from the union...just my two boys. I forgive him and wish him well...though there are days when he comes to pick up the boys for an outing and there is a pang of grief that my boys never had a real role model/father figure.
Anyways my boys and i have learnt to be grateful for God's mercy.We are happy and we are free....

June Malik said...

Anon : i am glad u took the path. i grew up without a father, my dad died when I was 10, and I turned out ok. Your kids be fine since they do have a father and I am glad that he is not neglecting them either. Its tough sometimes but like I said we move on, no matter what. What other choice is threre? Hang in there, good luck :)

sessionist lounge said...

perhaps i'm not too young to comment on this but as i grow and see things through many different view, i agree with you.. it's true kids will live their life and don't deserve to go through their parents' hell.. kids have to be smart.. to rebel over this makes it worse.. parents maybe have their reasons for staying but if staying just for the kids, the kids don't need it.. they are smart enough to think.. they learn from early relationship.. staying will pressure them even more.. makes them wanna rebel.. wanna get out of the mess.. how? well.. the smart ones survived well.. the foolish and selfish ones at the same time, they got screwed.. it don't bring any good if they rebel.. instead, show the parents what they got.. true aunty?

June Malik said...

Belle : spoken like a true young adult in the making !!! well done :)

sessionist lounge said...

thank you very much..
and this adult in the making is full of curiosity in life! hahaa..