Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wherever you are, I know you are happy. I hope you are placed within the special people, because you are, special. I guess Babah was both sad and happy to see you eh? Sad because you had to leave us and happy that you are both now together again.
I still cant believe that you left us Mak. It was so sudden. But the signs were there, subconsciously you had been telling us but we didnt see it, only after you've left that all the things that you said and did, we made the connection.
You came to me Friday night. Thank you Mak. That was the last time that I "saw" you. The dream was so real, it was like you were there with me (I still dont know where it was) and I could smell your favourite talcum powder. You were telling me that you want us to come home to PD for the weekend, even when I told you that we might not make it you were really insistent. And true enough, we did go back, to say goodbye to you. I woke up with my heart beating so fast and I wondered .. I have never dreamed of you, ever, in the 23 years that I've been with Abang. I didnt say anything to Abang but I had planned to call you. I had this uneasy feeling, but Mak, you were so healthy .. but as things turned out, I was running errands and things got in the way and I missed that one call, that would had given me the opportunity to hear your voice one last time. It is my one regret, not calling you immediately.
But I am happy Mak that we were here and not elsewhere in another country. I am happy that I get to say proper goodbye to you. To give you your last cleanse.
You must be wondering, why I didnt shed a tear? not a single drop? I cant explain it Mak. I was in shock and at the same time, there were things to do, things to settle .. I was just numb. I kissed you for the last time and I was really sad but still the tears did not come. I cant explain it. But now I know better. I needed time to really accept the fact that you would not be with us anymore. I needed time on my own, alone , to grief for you. And finally yesterday, when I started this, the dam broke and the tears came. And I cried for you, for all the times that we shared, the memories that we shared, the stories and secrets .. we shared a lot of moments together kan Mak? I am one of the lucky ones that didnt have a horror mother-in-law story to tell.
Thus I am truly sorry that I did not manage to talk out with you of the tiff we had and we did not resolve it. But I hope you know that no matter what , it wouldnt have changed how I felt about you. I love you like my own mother and I know you love me like your own too. Nothing could ever change that.
Abang is taking this rather hard too. But you know him, in his own quiet way. I will be there for him Mak. We will take care of each other and we will take care of the rest too. We will keep the family together, Mama and Paksu and all your grandchildren. Dont worry, we will be fine. We will move on, because that is what you would have wanted. For us to go on and have a good happy life.
I will miss you Mak. But you will always be close to my heart. You will be with us in all our times of celebration of the family member's achievements, weddings, births. You and Babah will always be with us.
I hope that you will forgive me for anything that I might have said, done, that hurt you. I hope that you will forgive us for not being there for you. I hope that you will forgive us for always not being able to make it for functions and other things. But I hope you know that in our heart we were there.
Rest in peace Mak. Be our guardian. Let your spirit touched our souls. Guide us. Send our love to Babah.
Goodbye Mak. I love you. Always, always.
Your daughter in law,